Please don’t be offended. Don’t think this blog assumes people are idiots. I’m not writing my next post on how to wash your hands — I promise. But I have realized that many of us struggle with having conversations. Myself included. I’d rather speak in front of a group of 100 than sit down for a one-on-one. It’s awkward, nerve-wracking, uncomfortable. In a world where words flow like Niagara Falls all around us, finding just the right words without drowning under the weight of them all can be daunting. Sitting alone with someone and being asked to carry on a conversation can feel like being handed a barrel at said falls.
So here are two easy tips for those of you, like me, who have some struggles with this issue. For those who don’t…tell me what it’s like to be you.
Stop Talking
I hate silence. It makes me REALLY uncomfortable. So I fill silence with random talking about random subjects that neither I nor the person I’m talking to even care about. What I need to do is just be quiet. If you’re like me, you’ll be shocked to know that some people enjoy silence. Crazy, right?? My husband is one of those people. It took me years to understand that when he’s quiet on a long car ride, it isn’t because he’s thinking about what a horrible conversationalist I am, but because he simply enjoys thinking. Quietly. Also, some people just take longer to talk than others. I’ve learned that if I stay quiet longer than five seconds, I open the door for those friends to share their thoughts.
Ask Questions
What about when you’re one-on-one with someone and you’ve run out of stuff to talk about? Ask questions! Again, I’ve learned this from my husband. He’s a master at asking questions and getting people talking. The easiest place to start is with basics, “Where have you lived?” “What are your hobbies?” “Do you have any siblings?” Those can launch people into long, often really interesting discussions. As they talk, ask more questions. You discover they lived in Oregon — ask them about the state. What’s the best food there? The best places to visit? The most unique fact about their town? They have three siblings – where are they in the birth order? Are their siblings very similar or very different from them?
The bottom line is actually biblical (imagine that!) – we are told to love others and value them. What better way to demonstrate someone’s value than by getting to know them? Focusing the conversation on the other person, rather than living, as I too often do, with the idea that it’s all about me, helps us get out of our heads, humble ourselves, and seek the best interests of the other person. You’ll discover ways to encourage them, just by listening and asking questions. Over time, you’ll learn how you can pray for them.
Conversations don’t need to be scary, especially when we remember that they don’t need to be about us. Focusing on others is liberating. So go to that party, sit next to that stranger, try out that new class. Come on in – the water’s fine.
