MY BLOG POSTS

Go to any bookstore – online or in person – and you will find rows and rows…and rows and rows… of shelves housing books devoted to “self-esteem.” Most seem to focus on loving yourself, forgiving yourself, being good to yourself. Because we just don’t think enough of ourselves.

Riiiight.

Here’s what I think: our problems with self-esteem aren’t that we don’t think enough of ourselves. Our problem is that we think of ourselves WAY too much.

At least I do, anyway. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t think about myself, my needs, my wants. When I don’t feel frustrated that I am not being treated well enough. I look at people and wonder what they are thinking about me – do they like me? Are they talking about me to their friends? Are those conversations positive or negative? They better not be saying bad things because, believe me, I know some stuff about them…Yeah, um, you get the idea.

But plenty of days go by when I don’t think about others: the needs of others, the wants of others, whether or not I am treating others well enough. I am an expert on being self-centered. In fact, I could write a book about that! But being others-centered? I need some help there.

Good News!

I have help there: it’s called the Bible, and it is SO much better than any self-help book on any real or virtual bookstore on the planet. The Bible has a whole lot to say about how we should think about ourselves. The verse I need to be reminded of most often is this one:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” ~Phil. 2:3-4

The English teacher in me has to point out that those verses are imperatives – the “bossy” sentence. That’s Paul (lovingly) sticking his finger in our faces and saying, YOU – that’s right YOU – stop being so selfish! Worry more about others than you worry about yourself. The rest of the chapter (which I highly recommend reading) goes on to demonstrate how Jesus lived out this principle. He set the example for a selfless life, and we will experience great joy if we follow that example.

So if I really want to make ME happy, I should think about ME less.

Because my self has enough help

No one likes to be disliked. But some people can just naturally tolerate it better than others. My husband, for instance, is slightly bothered when he finds out someone dislikes him, but he can move on. I, however, am incredibly bothered and try to figure out why that person dislikes me, what I did to offend him/her, what I might be able to do to make him/her like me. OR I get angry and think of all the reasons why I don’t like that person, having
dozens of imaginary conversations with them in which I reduce them to a quivering pile of tears, giving them a real reason to hate me. And, if I am being honest, in my worst moments, those imaginary conversations become all too real. And they don’t feel nearly as good as I thought they would.

The fact is, there will always be people who don’t like you. Sorry if this is news to you. But Jesus Himself was hated, so…

The hardest part, I think, is when the person who doesn’t like us is someone we like – a person we thought was our friend or someone we look up to. I could care less if some jerk hates me. But what if it’s a colleague, the parent of a student, or an authority figure?? If you’re a student, maybe it’s someone you thought was a friend in your class, or maybe a teacher or a youth leader. That hurts!

I’d like to say there’s a formula to make everyone like you. But there’s not. Sorry. There are, however, principles that  can help us deal with being disliked.

Matthew 7

Check Yourself

Before we get all “woe is me”, we must remember that we are sinners. Jesus didn’t come for everyone but us. He came for all of us – because we are all in desperate need of a Savior. So examine yourself. That person who dislikes you may have good reason. Ask God to reveal any sin in your own life. Ask that person if you have offended him/her. Come to him/her humbly, seeking restoration. That person may or not be willing to forgive you (we’re getting to that). But there is great peace in taking the humble position and seeking to restore what is broken.

Pray for the “Hater”

This does not come naturally to most of us. I know when I feel hated, I want to hate right back. But the Bible is filled with verses telling us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. This can only be accomplished through the Holy Spirit working in us. In fact, I have found that God often allows “haters” in my life to draw me closer to Him. Because I hate it so much, being disliked gets my attention. Too much attention! I can become obsessive about it, thinking all the time about that situation. Every time, though, God gently reminds me it is HIS good opinion I need to focus on. It is HIS commands I need to follow. And those commands are not burdensome. Instead of obsessing over why that person dislikes me, I simply need to pray for them. God will let me know what to do next.

Try to Make Peace

Along with being a people-pleaser, I am also incredibly non-confrontational. I would rather walk away from a friendship than take steps to seek restoration. This is yet another area where God is continually working in me. We are called to do our best to be at peace with all men. So if I know someone is upset with me, I need to try and work things out. If someone has hurt me, I need to try and work things out. I don’t need to wait for them. I need to go to them – in humility and grace, with lots of prayer – and do all I can to make peace and restore what was broken.

Let It Go

You can can only do so much. You can’t make people like you. You can’t make people forgive you. You may take all of these steps and still find that person dislikes you. Then what? Let it go! SO much easier said than done, I know. But there it is. If you can say, in clear conscience, that you have done all you could, and that person is still unwilling to forgive or move on or admit their actions – then you are “all clear”. Don’t obsess. Find those who do like you and strengthen those relationships. Be in God’s word daily, in prayer continually, so you are pleasing the One who has given you life. Move on. That is possible – even with deep hurts. It takes time and prayer and supernatural strength, but it is possible. And you will come out of that hurt with more compassion, more humility, and a stronger relationship with the Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

I was  on a search committee at church a few years ago. A group of us were tasked with finding a young man who could work with both the worship ministry and with youth – the list of his responsibilities were pretty long. We prayed before every meeting, asking God to direct us to His choice for this position.

Early on in the process, the supervising pastor told us, “We need to make sure the man we choose has been ‘broken’.” It sounded a bit harsh, but we knew what he was saying: Brokenness in ministry is inevitable. Recovering from that brokenness marks the difference between a mature believer and a baby.

I was reminded of that as I studied the book of Job. Job was broken in every way possible – spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally…In a few short verses, he went from being an incredibly wealthy father of ten to a man bereft of everything he held dear – children killed, livestock and home destroyed, body devastated.

Yet, the scripture tells us in all this Job did not sin. He did not curse God (even though his wife encouraged him to do just that!). In fact, in his brokenness, Job worshiped God.

I thought, then, of the many people I have known and encountered and heard about, who experienced difficulties in this life and did not respond the way Job responded. People who did curse God. Some turned from the one true God to other “gods” who promise a more comfortable life, or away from God entirely because they “tried” God and He didn’t “work” for them.

Far too often, we choose to believe in a God we have crafted in our own minds – a God who makes life easy for us, who constantly blesses us, who protects us from everything bad, everything negative. And when that God doesn’t behave in the way we believe He should behave, we walk away.

We need to be reminded of the lesson Job learned. After three dozen chapters of Job’s friends trying to explain God and make sense of Job’s situation, God shows up. He rebukes those well-meaning (?) friends and responds to Job’s longing for an answer to the “why”?

In the final chapters of the book of Job, God explains that He is God. He doesn’t offer Job a “reason” for his difficulties, He doesn’t apologize for Job’s trial, He doesn’t promise to make everything better. He doesn’t have to!

He is GOD. We are not. Period.

That is the lesson Job learns in his brokenness. And he worships the holy, perfect God, repenting for daring to ask that this almighty, sovereign Creator God “defend” Himself to His creation.

Brokenness in the Christian life leads to strength and peace and joy. When we understand God is not a genie, not a “Santa”, not a Divine Butler who gives us what we want when we want it, when we fall to our knees and recognize God is God, worthy of our complete devotion and obedience and worship, we are set free.

C.S. Lewis’ greatest and least-known work is his final novel, Till We Have Faces. We just finished studying this work in my AP Literature class, and, even after years of teaching it, I still finish in awe of this amazing writer and his incredible story.

If you are like most people, you’ve never read this book, maybe even never heard of it. I don’t want to give too much away, but I do want to whet your appetite. This is far too good a book for readers to miss out on!

This novel is a combination of everything Lewis loved, and it is his fiction writing at its most glorious and most mature. Based on the myth of Cupid and Psyche, the novel’s protagonist is Psyche’s oldest sister, Orual. The novel is a first-person account, detailing Orual’s complaint against the gods and her eventual retraction of that complaint.

This novel, Lewis insisted, is a parallel, not an allegory, like Narnia or the Space Trilogy. It doesn’t fit into neat boxes in its connection to Christianity. And yet, this is an even greater apologetic, in my opinion, than Mere Christianity. As Orual rails against the gods – who seem to torment her and mock her throughout the first part – we see humanity. Orual is incredibly intelligent, strong, able, and she loves deeply. But she is blind to the truth. In her hatred for the gods, she cuts herself off from everyone – her disconnect with others symbolized by the veil she wears over her face most of her life. She views life through the “veil”, sure that she is correctly interpreting reality, but actually becoming more and more blind with every passing year.

Her understanding of the world and the gods is limited, and yet she sets herself up as the gods’ accuser, as the victim, as God Himself.

She finally discovers (spoiler alert!) that she has been lying to herself her whole life. That the Truth can only be seen when she is honest with herself, when the veil is removed, when she accepts, like Job in the Old Testament, that God is God and she is not.

This book is so rich – an incredible work of literature and an incredible reminder of who we are before a holy God. If you have not read this – get it! Read it. If you have read it – read it again! I find some new nugget of truth and beauty every time I revisit this story.

“To say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or nothing less or other than what you really mean; that’s the whole art and joy of words.” (Till We Have Faces, 294)