MY BLOG POSTS

“Why do I feel so lonely when I have so many people in my life?”

This question was asked by a teen girl at our church. I am sure she is not the only one with this on her heart.

Loneliness can be felt in a crowd, in a large family, even by people with lots of friends, and those who seem to have everything all together.

Our family moved from Florida to Texas in the summer of 1999. We knew no one in the small town of Midlothian, other than the pastor whose church we wanted to be part of. My husband was going to seminary and working, and I was home with our then-six-month-old daughter. Talk about lonely. I had grown up in Florida, gone to college in Florida, gotten married in Florida. I had a church full of people who loved our little family and a town I was very familiar with in Florida.

I am a people person – I like being surrounded by people, hanging out with people, talking with people. I like getting phone calls and invitations to movies and dinner and just to hang out. I like going to the mall or the grocery store or to church and running into people I know. I crave community.

But when we first arrived in Midlothian, I had none of that. I didn’t even know how to get to the grocery store or the mall, forget knowing anyone once I got there. It was just me and little Emma. And lots and lots of time.

There were several months when I felt “unknown”, isolated, and incredibly alone. I was tempted to just hole up and forget it. Forging new friendships is hard. While I am a people person, I am guarded when it comes to letting people get really close. It takes me a long time to let people “in.”

God used that time to work in me, though, in many ways. First, my time with him was sweeter. He was the “friend that sticks closer than a brother.” I cried to him, screamed to him, poured out my loneliness, and he met me there. Second, our little family grew closer, as I learned to make that circle of what would eventually become five my priority (behind Jesus, of course). And I learned what it feels like to be “new.” I hadn’t really experienced that before. My precious friends at Midlothian Bible Church taught me how to make someone who feels like an outsider feel welcomed. They invited me to join them at the parks, at their homes, in their ministries. They loved my kids. They helped me through some incredibly difficult times in my life and my marriage and, six years later, they gave us the wings to be able to leave what had then become home to start over in another country.

What seemed at the time to be terrible — leaving everyone and everything I knew in Florida — ended up being the greatest blessing of my life. But I had to work past the loneliness to realize that. I had to wait on God to bring me through the valley to get to the mountaintop. It didn’t happen overnight.

So if you are feeling lonely, unknown, isolated, don’t lose hope. God brings good out of even the darkest times, the most difficult situations. We don’t always see that good – especially when we are in the middle of it. But cling to him, put your hope in him, and know that he will NEVER leave you or forsake you.

“Why are my parents so overprotective?”

This is another of the questions submitted by teen girls at my church (see previous post for more info). When we discussed this with the group, I saw girls’ heads bobbing and moms’ heads shaking. I even saw some ribs being poked and some, “Uh-huh” looks thrown across the tables. This one really hits home. Especially today.

Back in my day (that’s right, I’m going there), I could ride my baby blue Schwinn through the streets of Winter Haven, FL with no fear. I rode to voice lessons, to my friends’ houses, to the mall. And that was “only” 25 years or so ago.

But it’s not 1987. And we don’t live in Winter Haven. I hardly even let my kids ride their bikes around the block without me being there. And I am one of the laid back parents!

So why do we do this to you? Is is because we don’t trust you? We want to make your life miserable? We want to do all we can to make your teen years as dull as possible?

Believe it or not – no. None of the above.

Some of you reading this may babysit. When you do, are you careful with that child? Do you let her run around with scissors or hop up to the stove and fry up a burger? No way! you know you are responsible for her. And you know you won’t get paid – or asked to babysit again – if you’re irresponsible.

That’s how parents feel. But time a thousand. We are responsible before God for you. It’s scary! And we want to do a good job. Sometimes, we get carried away. Sometimes we drive you crazy. But it really is done out of love for you because you are precious and we don’t want anything bad to happen to you.

In another post, I’ll talk about how to tell your parents if you’re feeling smothered or frustrated or overwhelmed. Communication is important. Don’t ever let your frustrations turn into bitterness. Sometimes parents are wrong (gasp!). We are not perfect, and we make mistakes, even when we mean well. And sometimes, we need you to tell us that – lovingly, gently. And if you’ve tried that and you still feel like your parents are being unreasonable, talk to God. Actually, you should talk to him all the time, anyway. About everything. But ask for his help, ask for his wisdom. Pray for your parents.

I know that when you’re a teenager, life sometimes seems to go in slow motion. But for your parents, it is in fast forward. Yesterday, you were a baby. A few hours ago, you were losing your first tooth. We know that, when we blink, you’ll be leaving for college. We want to hold on to you as long as we can because the 18 years we get with you are far too short.

So try to let the overprotectiveness be something that makes you smile instead of something that makes you cringe. We mean well. We really do.

This weekend, I was a part of an event for teen girls at my church called “The View,” focused on helping girls see themselves the way God sees them. A few weeks before the event, the girls were invited to write down some questions they had. There were dozens of questions — all excellent, and all on the hearts of more than one girl.

So I thought I’d go through some of them in the next few blogs. Starting with this one: When should I start dating?

All of us on the panel agreed the answer to that one is 30.

Next question??

Just kidding.

Kind of. Not that there’s anything wrong with waiting until 30. But just in case you don’t like that idea, here’s our next solution:

There’s not an exact age.

Some 25 year olds really aren’t ready to date. Some 17 year olds are.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you are ready or not:

• Why do I want to date? If it’s because all your friends have boyfriends and you feel left out, because you feel prettier when you have a boyfriend, because you like the attention, or because you don’t like paying for movies – you’re not ready.
• Am I ready to think about marriage? I can hear the groans already. But seriously, if you are a young woman seeking after God, then dating is not a sport or a hobby or a science project. It is the way you get to know the young man who will eventually be your husband.
• Do I really understand I Corinthians 13? That’s the “love chapter” in the Bible. Know that chapter, memorize it, and then live it out with those close to you – your parents, your siblings, your friends. Successful marriages result from both partners knowing and living out these verses.
• Does this guy love Jesus? And I don’t just mean is he a Christian. But is he passionate about our Savior? Our pastor’s wife had a great illustration for this: She said you need to be running hard after God. And as you’re running, look to your right and your left to see who is running alongside you. Choose from among those guys. Don’t slow down to find a guy and don’t settle.
• What do my parents think? If your parents say you can’t date, then you can’t date. If your parents don’t like the guy you like, trust their judgment. If they’re wrong, and that really is the guy for you, God will work it out. In his time. Which is often not our time.

Dating is fun, and the memories you make dating your future spouse are sweet. But don’t rush it. You might feel like you HAVE to date, that this guy you’re crushing on is the best thing since Facebook. But even what we think is the best is nothing compared to what God has planned for us. Wait for God’s guy in God’s time.

“Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up,  until the time is ripe—and you’re ready. ” Song of Songs 2:7 The Message

There are rows and rows…and rows and rows… of shelves housing books devoted to “self-esteem.” Most seem to focus on loving yourself, forgiving yourself, being good to yourself. Because we just don’t think enough of ourselves.

Right.

Here’s what I think: our problems with self-esteem aren’t that we don’t think enough of ourselves. Our problem is that we think of ourselves WAY too much.

At least I do, anyway. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t think about myself, my needs, my wants. When I don’t feel frustrated that I am not being treated well enough. But plenty of days go by when I don’t think about others: the needs of others, the wants of others, whether or not I am treating others well enough.

But imagine how much happier I would be if I did think about others more. Being all “woe is me” brings misery. It is exhausting to think about myself so much! But thinking about how I can help others brings me joy.

So if I really want to make ME happy, I should think about ME less.

Because my self has enough help.